is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
