i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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