You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
