I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
