my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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