I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
