why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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