Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
