she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
