Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
