Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
We just shotgunned beers for America
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
