I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
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Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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