Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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