take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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