some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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