don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
