i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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