They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
