There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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