I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
