Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates