I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.