He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
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He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
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I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome