Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
