The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
