hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I'm really busy with my period
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