Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
