Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
