that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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