last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
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Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
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I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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