someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
