Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
