So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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