Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
