she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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