can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
