i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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