Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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