This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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