So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
