he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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