I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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