Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
