I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
