Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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