come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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