im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
