Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
