I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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