He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
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You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
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URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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