so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
