I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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