someone get that fucking seahorse.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
