well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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