I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
