hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
