Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
